i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
