she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
