Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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