I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
