I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
