Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
