I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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