Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
