I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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