Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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