We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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