Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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