i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
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I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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