It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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