I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
