This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
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My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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