My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
