last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
