No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
