Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
