Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
