She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
