We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
