why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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