i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
