The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
