so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
