She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
