Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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