Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
