my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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