I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
