Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I stole a fireplace last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
