ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
