mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
