before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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