i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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