When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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