Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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