Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
