miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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