Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
