i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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