Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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