Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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