I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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