Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
