My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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