I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
