If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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