I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
