How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
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The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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