That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
