escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
