so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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