Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
