I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
