Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
