I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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