i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
