Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When are your genitals available?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
