Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
