The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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